


The Sacrifice of Steve Rogers

by TheWouldBeQueen



Series: Anesthesia [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 4th of July, Aftercare, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Bondage, Buckys PoV, Dom/sub, Dominant Steve Rogers, Eventual Happy Ending, Face-Fucking, Fluff, Frottage, Intercrural Sex, Jewish Bucky Barnes, M/M, Masturbation, Nude Modeling, Oral Sex, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Spanking, Steve Rogers really shitty health, Sub Drop, Submissive Bucky, bed sharing, het sex but very brief, safe word, stucky snuggles, sub space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-02-18 03:21:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2333408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWouldBeQueen/pseuds/TheWouldBeQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve getting into fights in alleys is nothing new and Bucky being stupid in love with him isn't new either, but just maybe they don't need new. They just need each other. And they may not have much, but they'll always have Brooklyn.<br/>AKA another Skinny Steve fic that starts off just like so many before it, but ends with Bucky tied up on the living room floor with Steve standing in front of him like it's the only place in the world they belong.<br/><a href="http://8tracks.com/thewouldbequeen/anesthesia-soundtrack-1">Soundtrack</a><br/>Music Video <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPebBObIFys">Teaser</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eypb05M2I2E">Trailer</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Some People are Worth the Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has known for a long time just how hard it is to be in love with your best friend, but that doesn't mean he actually knows anything, and sometimes not arguing with Steve is just easier.

"Like a flash of light in an endless night

Life is trapped between two black entities

'Cause when you trust someone, illusion has begun

No way to prepare, impending despair"

Anesthesia - Type O Negative

 

* * *

 

 **1940 -** It wasn't the first fight Steve Rogers had gotten himself into and Bucky knew it sure as hell wasn't going to be the last, but as the pain shocked through him and he pulled back for another punch he knew that defending his best friend would always be worth it.

When the fight was over Bucky helped Steve to his feet, flinging his arm around his shoulder to keep him upright.

"I'm okay, Buck. I can walk!" Steve protests "You're the one that's bleeding." he grabs Bucky's hand with the bloodied knuckles smoothing his fingers over the dry skin.

"S'nothing  I can't handle." Bucky brushes Steve off. Some people are worth the pain they (inadvertently) cause, but Bucky could never tell Steve that. Steve is his closest friend, most days his only ally, but there are so many things Bucky could never say to him, thoughts he keeps tucked in the dark corners of his mind, corners that just seem to get darker the more years go by. The only time Bucky lets himself examine those thoughts is during the early morning hours  between waking and dreaming when Steve is still asleep and Bucky can watch him from across the room. They only have one bedroom and it isn't very big, Steve's cot is set up against the wall opposite Bucky's bed, but there's only a sliver of space between the two. Just enough space to shuffle sideways from the door to the window. Sometimes Bucky thinks that if he reached his arm out when Steve is all sprawled out their hands would touch. In sleep Steve takes up far more space than anyone that small has any right to, his limbs splayed out in protest of such a slight frame being forced to contain the biggest person Bucky knew.

When they get back to the apartment Steve is bristling and still won't back down. "You just don't get it, Buck. I couldn't just walk away."

Bucky lets out a laugh, "You never can."

"What am I supposed to do? Just keep my head down and let someone else get hurt?"

"If it keeps _you_ from getting hurt, maybe..." Bucky can't help but let his hand stray to the cut about Steve's eyebrow. "At least let's get you cleaned up."

"I already told you I'm alright, I'll take care of this though if you let me take care of you." Steve says gesturing to Bucky's right hand and the drying blood congealing around the knuckles.

"Fine, _fine_..." Bucky lets out an exaggerated huff and rolls his eyes as Steve directs Bucky to their tiny bathroom and he stalks off without further complaint. Another thing Bucky could never admit is how much he loves letting Steve take care of him. Clean and bandage his wounds after a fight, undress him and roll him into bed after a long night - Bucky even lets Steve trim his hair and shave his face. He claims it's to save them the money at the barber, and that is true, but to Bucky it means so much more.

Steve has Bucky sit on the closed toilet and turns on the tap so the water has time to run clean. Using a threadbare towel and the lightest of touches he washes the blood away and bandages Bucky's hand. All too soon Steve lets go and shoos him out of the bathroom with a smile and a promise to take care of his own scrapes next.

While Steve gets cleaned up Bucky really should be trying to figure out what they'll be eating for dinner. Instead he lays on his bed, staring at nothing in particular, lost in his thoughts. He's drawn out of his reverie some time later by the sounds of Steve moving around the kitchen.

"You need to eat something. You keep pulling those double shifts at the dock and drinking your dinner you're gonna kill yourself." Steve sets two plates down and Bucky sits to eat, even though he isn't hungry because not arguing with Steve is just easier.

 


	2. Elated, Edgy, or Just Exhausted?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As much as Bucky loves letting Steve take care of him sometimes he wishes Steve were less stubborn about letting him return the favor.

It was late in the year, the snow hadn't started falling yet, but the nights were already bitter cold and the single radiator in the living room barely kept the air above freezing temperatures. Steve was hovering in a constant state of illness but fighting every shiver and cough. Bucky kept piling blankets onto him and Steve kept telling him to stop doting, but Bucky hated seeing his best friend so miserable all the time, even if there was little he could do about it. He was ready for summer to come again, for Steve to sit in the windowsill drawing the city below, to have an excuse to strip down to just his shorts and enjoy the lingering looks he knew Steve was giving him. He was ready for block parties and cold beer, and dragging Steve to the beach, but for now winter had just barely begun and he could see Steve's breath every time he exhaled and Bucky knew he needed to do something.

He stood and with his best impression of casualness said "Hey, let's go to bed"

"Why? I doubt it's much warmer in there, and it's early yet, I want to finish this book."

"Then finish it in bed, just looking at you is making me colder."

Steve stays sitting looking at Bucky for another minute before Bucky heads to the bedroom without him, changes into his pajamas, then moves all of the blankets and Steve's pillow into his own bed and climbs in. Steve follows shortly after and doesn't even pause to comment on the proposed sleeping arrangement, just changes into his own PJs and climbs in next to Bucky with his book still in hand.

"Hmm, you are warm" Steve mumbles, scooting closer to Bucky's body.

"Mhmm, one of my many talents."

"Having a core body temperature of 98.6 degrees? That's a talent? No wonder the dames are banging down the door." Steve smirks over his shoulder.

"Shut up and read your book, Rogers" Bucky huffs out in irritation, but turns his face to hide his grin.

He falls asleep before Steve finishes reading, but wakes up in the dark, sweating, with Steve sprawled underneath him, rutting against his leg.  For all the times that Bucky has imagined his best friend pressed against him and seeking release now that he finds him there he doesn't quite know what to do. Steve's eyes are shut tight and his breathing is still deep and steady, if a bit quickened. Bucky grasps him by the shoulders and tries to wake him gently, whispering his name. He doesn't want to startle him awake or make Steve think Bucky is upset with him, quite on the contrary, but this isn't right. This isn't how this is supposed to happen. This _isn't_ supposed to happen. Steve is the best friend he's ever had and Bucky's gone this long without messing things up.

"Steve..."

"Mmmm, what is it Buck?" Steve nuzzles into his neck and it takes all of Bucky's self control to edge away from him.

"This is.... We shouldn't-" Bucky stammers, but Steve takes him gently by the wrists and places Bucky's hands back on his hips. "You've never been very good at lying to me, you can't tell me you don't want this. That you haven't wanted this for years."

"I don't know what I want. I don't even know what this means. We should, like, talk about this first."

" _Really_ Bucky? After all this time, you want to talk about it _now_? I've never been this hard in my life and you don't exactly seem disinterested yourself." Steve chuckles and snakes his hand between their bodies to grip Bucky's throbbing member through his pants. "Are you _sure_ all you want to do is talk?"

Bucky's resolve is quickly crumbling and he thrusts down into Steve's hand. Despite all his big talk Bucky hopes Steve is just as nervous as he is, he doesn't quite know what to do with his hands, Steve lacking the main parts Bucky's always tried for on girls. He settles his hands on Steve's lower back and pulls him closer, wanting to go in for a kiss, but not knowing if he should. The thought of Steve turning away from his lips was almost more than Bucky could handle instead he buries his nose in Steve's blond hair and inhales that familiar, clean, sweet smell.

Steve's hands are far more adventurous, roaming under Bucky's shirt and briefly pausing over nipples before mapping the skin down his back. All the while he was mouthing at Bucky's collarbone, tongue hot and wet leaving behind a burning trail up his neck. There were no thoughts of talking left in Bucky's mind, there were no _words_ , just "Steve" whispered again and again as Bucky slotted their hips together. Feeling his best friend's hardness rubbing against his own, even through multiple layers of fabric, was almost enough right there. Letting his hands wander down to Steve's bottom he pulls their bodies even closer together, making Steve gasp as his arms come up to clutch at Bucky's shoulders. Their hips move in tandem, Steve's breath is coming in more shallow and Bucky is worried, but knows if he stops now he'd probably just earn himself a smack.

They get into a rhythm, bodies moving together. Bucky's hands move to the hem of Steve's shirt and attempts to pull it over his head, only to have Steve grab his wrists once more and stop him with a soft "No." Bucky doesn't press the issue, just moves his hands back to Steve's waist and focuses on the rough slide of his cock against Steve's. He knows it isn't going to take long, he's been touching himself to thoughts of Steve since he knew what masturbation was, and this, god, this is even better than he ever thought it would be. Steve grunts and gasps as he gets closer and closer to the edge, arms around Bucky's shoulders, teeth worrying at the skin of his neck. Their thrusting becomes erratic, but no less impassioned and Bucky moans Steve's name one more time, just loud enough to fill the space between them before releasing without a hand on him. He all but collapses onto Steve, holds onto the thought of bringing him to completion too just long enough to grip Steve hard and grind down in one, two more thrusts before Steve is coming, clutching desperately to Bucky's body and gasping his name between panted breaths.

"You still with me Stevie?" Bucky can't help but feel concerned hearing Steve's labored breathing .

"Yeah, I'm fine, just-" Steve pants "Give me a minute. That was..."

"Yeah... that  was." is all Bucky can reply as he falls back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling, unsure of whether he should be elated, edgy, or just exhausted. He settles on exhausted and rolls away from Steve, but can't help voicing one thought before he closes his eyes. "But it probably shouldn't happen again."

"Oh... OK, yeah I get it. Sorry, I didn't mean to-" Steve stumbles getting out of the bed.

"No! Steve, I didn't mean you had to go. I-"

"No, no I get it, I'm just going to get cleaned up. It's fine. I'm fine." and Steve is out the door before Bucky can figure out how he would have ended that sentence anyway. He knows he should go after Steve, even if he doesn't know what he wants to say to him, but he hears the bathroom door shut and the shower start up and decides this conversation is best left for the light of day.


	3. Exactly Where he Needs to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are you supposed to say when everything you've wanted for years out of count is hanging before you? One wrong word could bring it all crashing down, and Bucky was definitely the type to find the wrong words at all the right times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing anything with dom/sub connotations, please let me know what you guys think.
> 
> Also this story follows the comic book canon that Steve's mother died when he was very young, before he even met Bucky, that he was raised in an orphanage and met Bucky at school in their childhood.

But Bucky doesn't see Steve the next day, or the day after that. When he wakes up Steve is gone, his cot untouched. Bucky can't afford to take off work all day to wait for him and when he gets home it's to an empty apartment. He stays up late into the night, nodding off on the couch with a glass of whiskey in his hand. In the morning there's a blanket draped over him that he didn't put there and his glass has been cleaned and set in the drying rack, but there's no Steve. By the fourth day Bucky's on edge, snapping at guys he works with, and starting fights in bars. He gets sent home early one day for throwing a punch over a shipping dispute and stumbles drunk into the apartment to find Steve sitting at the dining room table with his sketchbook out. Steve stands up in shock and flips the book shut, "Bucky..."

Bucky pauses for a moment looking over the healing scrapes and bruises on Steve's face and almost softens before he remembers why he's here, why _they're_ here, and makes directly for the bedroom. "Don't mind me, I'll just be in here helping you avoid me."

"I'm not avoiding you." Steve winces at the look Bucky throws him "OK so I've been avoiding you... I'm sorry, I just- I thought some time, some space might be good."

"Where have you been? What happened to you?" Bucky finally gives in and rushes to check on Steve more closely.

"You know, just around the city. Picking up some painting jobs. I got into a few scrapes." Steve rubs the back of his neck and his shirt inches up to reveal more bruised skin underneath.

"You think? Why d'you gotta do that, Steve? You should have come home, you shouldn't be out there by yourself, it's dangerous, especially at night." Bucky brings his hands up to touch Steve, but stops short at the look on his face.

"I'm a big boy Bucky, I can take care of myself! I was out there alone for years before you came along. I don't need you always watching out for me."

"I know you don't, but that's not gonna change. You're _not_ alone. Not anymore, you got me."

"Do I?"

" _Yes_. And if you don't wanna talk we don't have to talk. Things can stay exactly like they were."

"I don't _want_ things to be like they were, Buck..."

"You-?" Bucky was not the type to find himself at a loss for words, but what are you supposed to say when everything you've wanted for years out of count is hanging before you? One wrong word could bring it all crashing down, and Bucky was definitely the type to find the wrong words at all the right times. "What do you want, Steve?"

Before Bucky could process what he hoped to hear in response Steve's lips were crashing down on his. For just a second he stood stock still, so used to fighting this, and then giving in molded his mouth to Steve's. Bucky was just getting lost in the kiss and the feeling of Steve's arms wrapped around him when Steve started to pull away.

"This, this is what I want. This is what I've always wanted."

"Well, why didn't you say something?"

"Why didn't you?" Steve answers with a laugh.

All Bucky can say to that is to pull Steve's face back to his, tangle his fingers in that blond hair, and let Steve attack his already moist and reddened lips. Bucky lets his hands drop down to Steve's shoulders but when he goes to unbutton the other man's shirt Steve stops him,

"Why won't you let me touch you?"

"It's not that, it's just-" Steve can't seem to finish his sentence, but Bucky thinks he knows what the problem is.

"Steve, you don't have to shield your body from me, I'm not going to judge you. Besides it's not like I haven't seen you naked before, swimming, hitting the showers after gym."

"Yeah, but that's... different. This is- I don't look like you." Steve runs his hands down the firm planes of muscle along Bucky's stomach.

"Good thing too, that would be weird. Although now that you mention it, I wouldn't kick me out of bed." Bucky winks at him "Just let me make you feel good." He plants one more kiss on Steve's pouting lips before falling to his knees and going straight for Steve's belt. Bucky's never done this before but once or twice a gal's taken him in her mouth and Bucky knows it feels amazing. If he can even do half as good a job for Steve he'll be pleased with himself.

Once Steve's pants are unbuttoned and unzipped he hesitates for only half a moment, but long enough for Steve to say "You don't have to do this, Buck."

"No, trust me, I want to." Bucky reaches his hand into Steve's shorts and draws him out, already mostly hard just at the sight of his best friend on his knees before him. Using a light grip at the base Bucky angles the tip towards his mouth and just barely licks the head but it's enough to draw a hiss and a sigh out of Steve. Boldened by the reaction he takes the entire head in his mouth laving his tongue down as much of the shaft as he can. Steve involuntarily thrusts his hips forward, forcing more of his cock into Bucky's mouth and immediately apologizes, running his hands through Bucky's hair, and trying to bring him back to his feet. But Bucky is exactly where he needs to be and gripping Steve's hips, swallows him down again making Steve moan as fingers tighten in Bucky's hair.

"Shit, Bucky... That's-" Steve can't even finish his sentence before another moan swallows his words, but he doesn't have to. Bucky knows it takes a lot to get Steve to utter a swear and he can't wait to see how many more curses he can pull from Steve's lips. Going to work with lips and tongue and light grazing from his teeth he pays careful attention to every inch of Steve in his mouth and it isn't long before more words are falling from Steve's lips almost incoherently. Bucky hears his name mixed in with gasps and uttered curses and declamations to God.

"I'm so close, Buck. Just..." Steve shakingly draws his hands away from Bucky's head only to have Bucky grab him by the fingers and force them back to his hair. Gripping Steve's hips again Bucky tries to show him what he wants as he bobs his head up and down, greedily taking as much of Steve's cock down his throat as he can. It doesn't take long for Steve to figure it out and his grip becomes vice like on the back of Bucky's head as he fucks into his mouth repeatedly. Bucky's eyes are starting to water and his jaw aches but all he can focus on is the expression on Steve's face, eyes glued to his, pupils blown dark, and a hard set to his jaw. The fire in Steve's eyes has the heat that has been steadily pooling in Bucky's stomach racing through his entire body, making him clench his eyes shut and choke out a moan.

"No, look at me." Steve cups his chin as Bucky cracks open his eyes, tears streaming freely from the corners as Steve's pace continues, thrusting down into Bucky's hot, wet mouth. "Oh... Buck, you're so good. Yess" Steve hisses and comes with a shout, letting his hands fall from Bucky's hair. Bucky keeps up his ministrations, lapping at what he didn't manage to swallow down, until Steve winces at the over sensitivity and pulls him off.

Steve's breathing hard and his eyes are still shaded dark with lust, "I want to watch you touch yourself."

Without pausing for even a second Bucky brings his hand down to unfasten his work pants and pulls out his achingly hard erection. Fisting around the base, Bucky doesn't start slow, he's too close already. He sets a furious pace, using the copious amounts of precome dripping from the tip to lessen the friction, and let's his head loll back and eyes close; thinking of how beautiful Steve looked as he came down his throat.

"Look. At me. I don't want to have to tell you again." The commanding tone in Steve's voice is almost enough to send Bucky over the edge right then. "I want to see the look in your eyes when you come undone. Come for me, Buck" Steve says more softly, but it's still an order and Bucky forces his eyes to stay open as he tenses and erupts, spilling over his own hand and at Steve's feet.

Gasping, Bucky leans forward, letting his forehead rest on the smaller man's thigh. "I don't even know what to say" Steve lets out with half a chuckle as he laces his fingers through Bucky's hair again. "I got a little carried away, I think I owe you an apology."

"Not at _all_. That... was something I've wanted for a long time. Just... like that."

"Oh really?" Steve smirks down at him and helps pull Bucky to his feet. "You saying you want me to rough you up a bit?"

"God, yes." Bucky replies without thinking for a second, making both of them laugh softly, leaning in for another kiss.


	4. Life and Plans for 1941

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Winter Smut chapter

That winter Bucky wishes for things to never change, not that much had yet. Their days still started the same with Steve fussing over Bucky eating breakfast and getting to work on time, Bucky coming home to Steve concentrating on a sketch or a sign or whatever it is he's commissioned to work on that week, meager dinners, and freezing nights. They don't have much, and the holidays aren't too special. Although for all 8 days of Hanukah Steve wakes Bucky up with the present of lips roaming over the lengths of his skin and fingers, small but nimble and efficient, making easy work of the ties on his pants and bringing Bucky off quickly with choked off gasps and muffled moans. And on Christmas when Steve gets back from church it's to Bucky standing in their living room, naked, and holding Steve's sketchbook.

"Merry  Christmas, Steve. I didn't know what to get you, so I thought maybe..." Bucky fidgeted with the edges of the paper. "I want you... to draw me."

Steve visibly brightened at the very idea until a sudden thought struck him. "You didn't- Did you look at the...?"

"No, I didn't look through your precious sketches, I know how private you are about this thing. Don't know why..." Bucky trailed off, starting to regret this whole idea.

"It's just-" Steve sighs and walks over to open the book in Bucky's hands, then watches the comprehension dawn on his face as Bucky takes in drawing after drawing of himself. "I do draw you. All the time." Steve allows himself to laugh slightly, "I have been for years."

"Why haven't I seen any of these?" Bucky immediately asks, though he already knows the answer.

"Let's not go 'round with that again. You're ruining my Christmas present."

"I'm sorry, I-" Bucky starts to apologize until he sees the smirk spread across Steve's face and returns it with one of his own. "So, Mr. Artist... How do you want me?"

Steve tries to cover up his groan by clearing his throat, "How about stretched out on the couch?"

Bucky lies down with his long legs together, "What about my arms, what should I do with them?"

"How about... your right kind of gently placed on your hip and then bring up your left hand to your forehead, like- No, here, let me." Steve walks over to the couch and rearranges Bucky's limbs in to the pose he wants. Whether it's Steve touching him or simply the act of control, his best friend ordering and placing him exactly where he wants him, Bucky is starting to feel that familiar heat pooling in his abdomen and can feel his cock twitching and filling with blood.

"Bucky," Steve chuckles "This is supposed to be a life model sketch, not pornography."

"Sorry, is that going to ruin your drawing."

"Not at all, but I need you to sit perfectly still. You can't touch yourself." Steve settles on a chair a few feet away from the foot of the couch and starts sketching, pretending he doesn't hear Bucky's whine of protest.

Bucky can't stop thinking of Steve's eyes on his body. By this point he's had Steve's hands almost everywhere, but this- lying perfectly still, the room quiet but for the sound of Steve's pencil scratching across the paper, and those blue eyes peering at him attentively and pouring praise from their depths. Bucky feels completely overwhelmed and the need to fidget is too strong to resist.

"Bucky..." Steve warns from his place near his feet.

"I'm sorry, just- Could you at least turn on the radio? This is more difficult than I thought it would be."

"You're just lying on the couch, how is that difficult?" Steve laughs, but gets up to put some music on anyway.

"Can you grab me a drink while you're up? Calm my nerves, you know."

Steve pours some cheap whiskey into a glass and hands it to him before sitting back down at his feet and resuming his sketching. Bucky can't help but smile at the look of stern concentration on Steve's face.

"Do you want me to draw you just grinning at me like a meatball or can you control your mouth?"

"Well, when you put it like that... Maybe I could use some help." Bucky sets his glass down on the floor by the couch and pulls Steve on top of him by the collar.

Steve has to finish the sketch after Bucky falls asleep.

 

* * *

 

When the new year begins Bucky, like everyone else, is considering his life and plans for 1941. As much as Bucky has enjoyed their months of slow discovery and has relished every day of Steve's friendship since they met, it's the unspoken changes in their bond that have Bucky wanting more. Steve and Bucky have shared a bedroom since Steve moved in with Bucky and his family when they were just teenagers, but now Steve crawls into bed with him every night and when his body is aching and covered in grime from a double shift in the frigid New York weather Steve slips into their tiny shower behind him and washes Bucky's hair, taking his time and murmuring loving words in his ear. Then Steve gently massages and scrubs every inch of Bucky's body until he's completely relaxed and pliant, leaning against the shower wall gripping for purchase.  

It's after one of these quiet, calm moments that Bucky finally gets the nerve to ask Steve for more. With dames it had always been no problem, he'd take them to the pictures, a little dancing, and a couple of drinks and they'd be all over him. A hand slipped under a skirt or a soft sweater, perfumed necks, and painted lips; Bucky had been playing that game for years. With Steve it's different though, they've decided not to rush things, this was new for both of them and they have all the time in the world.

Steve is drying his hair with a threadbare towel when Bucky catches his eye, infusing the glance with as much of his renowned swagger as he can muster. "So, any special plans tonight, Rogers?"

"Yeah, I got a hot date, didn't I tell you?"

"Oh really, anybody I know?"

"Maybe, they're from around here... Brunette, amazing body. Bit of a pain in the neck though."

"Hmmm, why do you put up with it?" Bucky had a glint in his eye, making his way over to stand in front  of where Steve was sitting on the bed.

"Great gams." Steve smirks up at Bucky while running his hands up his naked outer thighs to rest on his hips.

"Oho I see how it is" Bucky leans in with a smile and presses a kiss to Steve's lips, placing his knees on either side but not settling down on his lap. When Steve tries to pull him the rest of the way down Bucky stops him, "I want you to touch me," he moves Steve's hands from his hips to the cleft of his ass and down. "Here."

Steve's flushes the most beautiful shade of pink from his ears to his chest, but doesn't move away. "I don't know how- I mean, I've never."

"It's OK, I know what to do." Bucky leans over and reaches under the mattress for a small jar of petroleum jelly.

"Oh, I didn't know you had... done this before."

"Only with myself, Steve, stop looking at me like your best girl just told you she's got another guy on the side."

"I wasn't- That's not what- Wait you do that to yourself? Here? When I'm sleeping?"

"Well, not recently, but yea I've done it before" Seeing the look on Steve's face and his rapidly hardening cock in his shorts Bucky presses further. "If I had known you were so inclined I'd have woken you to join in, but since you kept quiet about it all, I had to too. Biting down on the pillow, thinking of you, while I had my fingers inside myself."

Steve can't stop the barely audible moan that escapes his lips as he takes the container from Bucky's hand and motions for him to lay down on the bed.

Bucky lays down on his stomach before Steve and turns to smile at him, resting his face on his crossed arms. Steve just stops and stares for a moment before running his hands over Bucky's back and down the curves of his body, stopping just at the tops of his inner thighs. Rubbing his thumbs in light circles and letting his fingers slowly wander up the swell of Bucky's cheeks, touching him everywhere but where he wants it most.

"Steve would you just get on with it?"

"Hmm impatient today, aren't we?" Steve laughs and continues to trail his fingers over Bucky's back and down to his legs, increasing the pressure just enough to leave faint lines on his otherwise unblemished skin.

Bucky moans and grinds down into the mattress, begging for Steve to touch him and gasps in relief when he finally feels him spread his cheeks and hears the intake of breath above him as Steve studies every inch of him that's on display. He feels Steve's fingers, slick and slightly cool to the touch, begin to explore with only slight hesitation. Steve's hands have always been a little cold, Bucky doesn't mind; it's just another reminder that this is Steve, his best friend and all he's ever wanted in the world.

When Steve's finger finally stops circling the edge and breaches him for the first time he hears the whine that comes out of his mouth, but later would deny making the sound. Everything about Steve's finger inside of him feels different than anything he's ever done to himself and he's pushing back, fucking himself onto Steve's hand, keening and whining for more. Steve just chuckles and keeps his one finger inside of Bucky, thrusting at a steady pace until he finds a spot that when hit just right makes Bucky clench his eyes shut, fingers twisting in the sheets, as a wrecked moan falls from his lips. Steve slips in a second finger and Bucky sighs contentedly at the exquisite burn from being stretched as he feels Steve spread his fingers slowly and resume his pace, searching out that bundle of nerves that makes his brain go numb.  It isn't long before Bucky is panting and grinding down into the mattress, hair slicked to his forehead with  sweat and eyes fluttering, unfocused.

"You look so stunning, Buck." Steve peppers kisses along the back of Bucky's neck and down his spine before grasping his hip with one hand and pulling him into a kneeling position. Bucky gasps when he feels Steve add a third finger and continue at a steady pace and when he feels the fingers of Steve's other hand wrap around his neglected and throbbing cock he lets his head fall backwards as he gives himself over completely to Steve's care.

"That's it, Buck." Steve moans, speeding up the motions of both of his hands in sync with the thrusting of Bucky's hips. "Mmm, I can't wait to feel you come with my fingers inside of you."

There's not a single thought in Bucky's brain, he couldn't stop himself if he tried. He's coming over Steve's hand and across the sheets and driving himself back down onto Steve's fingers in his hole, panting and gasping Steve's name. Bucky collapses down onto the bed, not even caring about the mess on the sheets, completely sated and blissed out. He closes his eyes, just for a moment, with every intention of rolling over to finish off Steve next.

But when Bucky opens his eyes again it's morning and Steve is curled up around his back, his face snug in the curve of Bucky's neck and his breathing soft and slow. As much as Bucky is tempted to go right back to sleep it's only fair that he slips his head under the covers to wake Steve with his lips and tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration photo for Bucky's pose for Steve's sketch: http://sebastian-standom.tumblr.com/post/99398801039
> 
> My porn muses for Pre-Serum Steve and Bucky are Jaxon Radoc and Tayte Hanson  
> \- NSFW inspiration photos: http://beautifulstuff-afterdark.tumblr.com/post/99540238757


	5. Reckless and Probably Pretty Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the 4th of July approaches Bucky and Steve start making some summer plans.

The year was passing by in a pleasant blur. Winter melted into spring  and spring faded into the stagnant humid heat of Brooklyn summer. Most days Steve could be found sitting on the windowsill with his sketchbook in his lap, hoping to catch a  breeze, drawing the city teeming with life below.

Bucky was seated on the fire escape outside the window, admiring Steve's unbroken concentration, mostly content to simply enjoy the view. "So what do you want to do for your birthday next week?"

"Nothing, Buck, we don't have the money to waste."

"Well I'm sure we can figure out some way to celebrate that doesn't cost much." Bucky was not going to let Steve's birthday pass without any kind of celebration. Bucky was always big on birthdays, his parents always threw a party when he was a kid, and as an adult he continued to make an event of them. Bucky's birthday was a weeklong affair of him doing whatever he wanted and Steve being happy enough to go along with it. Steve's mom had never been well off and Bucky was sure she did the best she could, but Steve never expected much on his birthday and always wanted to let the day pass by as if it were any other. Not that that could be done as Steve's birthday fell on the 4th of July. Bucky liked to joke since they were kids that the fireworks shows and the parties were all for Steve, one day he knew it'd be true too, that the rest of the world would take notice of what Bucky already knew and there'd be celebrations all to do with Steve all over. But for now they couldn't go far or do much, it was times like this that Bucky almost broke his resolve to remain independent financially from his family. Steve didn't like taking handouts from anyone and when they moved out on their own Bucky agreed they could do it all alone, and he liked earning everything he had, but he just wished he could give Steve more.

For now Bucky didn't say another word on the subject, but he started mentally filing away ideas and half made plans for Steve's special day, most of them involving nudity and petroleum jelly.

 

* * *

 

 

In the end they wound up spending the day at one of their favorite spots: Coney Island, reliving memories of times spent there as children. It was always nice to get away from the city for the day, but on a holiday like this the crowds were massive. Bucky could tell Steve simply wanted to go home, but he just couldn't spend Steve's birthday cooped up in the apartment. They stood in line for far too long to ride the Wonder Wheel and when they finally boarded the ride Bucky was grinning like he had a secret he couldn't wait to tell.

"What are you smilin' for so much, Buck? You're acting like we haven't ridden this thing half a dozen times."

"Ah nothin' just happy to be here."

Steve shook his head and and settled into his seat. Once they were up in the air Bucky reached over and twined his fingers with Steve's.

"What are you doing!?" Steve immediately went to pull his hand away.

"Relax, no one can see us up here." Bucky leaned over and pressed his lips to Steve's in a chaste but intimate kiss. The first kiss they've ever shared outside of the safety of their own walls. It's reckless and probably pretty stupid, but Bucky can't help it. If Bucky could give anything to Steve for his birthday it'd be the ability to show his love for him anywhere he pleased. Maybe in another time...

They spent the entire duration of the ride with hands clasped together and only separated when it was time to get off. It was almost dark and the fireworks would be set to go off any minute. They made their way silently through the crowd, the press of people allowing them to reasonably walk closer than would normally be strictly necessary or acceptable. Bucky loved being able to feel Steve's arm brushing against his, they may be surrounded by people but right now he felt like they were the only two in the world that mattered.

There weren't any good places left to sit or relax so they watched the fireworks show simply standing in the crowd. When each one blossomed in the sky Bucky would lean down with his lips brushing Steve's ear to tell him what color it was, just like when Steve was commissioned to do signs or artwork for businesses and would always be too pigheaded to ask Bucky for help with his color blindness even when he'd forgotten what a color was that he'd already poured from the labeled tube. Granted Steve never liked to admit he needed help with anything, it was one of those things Bucky simultaneously loved and hated about him.

After the fireworks had ended and the crowds slowly began to disperse they started to make their way home. Walking down the street Steve leaned in and said just barely audibly "So I was thinkin' when we get home you could give me my birthday present"

"What? Steve! You told me not to get you anything! You repeatedly said no presents."

"Well that's because I already had something in mind." The smirk that spread across Steve's face had Bucky's stomach dropping into his shoes and he may have stumbled a bit when he realized what Steve was talking about.

"Ohh... You-? Oh! Are you sure Steve? We don't-" Bucky was stumbling over his words as bad as his feet now and Steve was still smirking at him.

"Yes I'm sure, come on, let's get home." For someone with short legs and flat feet Steve sure could move when he set his mind to it, or maybe he just got so far ahead because Bucky's legs had stopped working, leaving him standing stock still on the sidewalk, people grumbling as they walked around him, and shaking their heads at his slack jawed face.

"You comin' Buck?!" Steve shouts back from up ahead and Bucky runs on to catch up with him.


	6. Isn't Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky wants every inch of Steve, inside and out, and right now he's just dying to have Steve inside of him.

They barely made it through the door of their apartment before Bucky was pulling Steve in by his collar and kissing him with everything he had. Steve started in on Bucky's shirt, fingers only slightly shaking as he worked each button. They stumbled to the bedroom and Bucky was already unbuttoning Steve's pants and pulling him down onto the bed. "Just wait, we've taken enough time to get here, we should do this right. Slow down."

Steve rolled Bucky onto his back and straddled his waist leaning down to kiss and nibble at his neck while undoing the rest of the buttons on his shirt and spreading his hands over the skin of Bucky's chest. They had spent the better part of the past year exploring almost every inch of each other's bodies and getting comfortable with the feeling of lips on skin, teeth dragging and biting, fingers mapping out the most sensitive of spots, and committing each sensation to memory; but this, Bucky already felt like he was going to explode from mere anticipation and as usual, Steve was enjoying  inflicting the mild torture.

Bucky thrust his hips up, almost unseating Steve, and earned himself a reproachful glare. "Just for that I'm going to make you wait even longer before I let you come." Steve was smirking when he said it, but Bucky could tell he was being dead serious. He repressed the slightest of whines as he watched Steve move his way down his body and finished removing Bucky's pants, pulling his shorts down after them, and started scattering kisses along Bucky's hip bones and inner thighs. Bucky knew better than to rush this, that the more impatient he acted to longer Steve would draw it out, paying careful attention with his mouth everywhere except where Bucky needed him. He tried to lay perfectly still and went along easily when Steve motioned for him to lift his legs over Steve's shoulders and he tried so hard to remain completely silent when inside he was screaming feeling Steve sucking little marks into the junction where Bucky's thighs met the rest of his body and licking with the flat of his tongue over Bucky's sac and up the shaft of his cock. Bucky heard a moan that tapered off into a whine escape his lips despite his best effort as Steve stopped just before reaching the head and glanced at Bucky with a face filled with smugness.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No. Please, no" Bucky gasped, tangling his fingers in the sheets to prevent himself from involuntarily grabbing Steve.

"Good." Steve flashed another grin before reaching over to grab the petroleum jelly from it's new and less hidden place in the bedside drawer. He took his time preparing Bucky with his fingers, mouth busy kissing, licking, sucking anywhere Steve could reach. Bucky was practically a sobbing mess by the time Steve deemed he was ready. This was their first time going quite this far, but after the past months of slow and meticulous exploration Steve knew Bucky's body as well as it was possible to know anything.

Steve brings Bucky's legs down around his narrow waist and runs his hands up and down Bucky's thighs just looking at him with adoring eyes, only slightly questioning. "Are you-"

"Yes! I'm sure! God, I'm sure. Do you have any idea how long I've been mentally playing this out at every opportunity I could find?" Bucky can't help but smile, he knows Steve just wants to make sure, Steve always is testing the waters, thinking Bucky isn't in this as much as he is, and it drives Bucky crazy. He wants every inch of Steve, inside and out, and right now he's just dying to have Steve inside of him.

"OK." Steve doesn't say another word, just lines himself up and slowly presses the slicked head against Bucky's opening. Bucky gasps as he feels his body stretch to accommodate Steve's cock, just the tip at first, as Steve pauses holding himself up on his forearms and staring straight into Bucky's heavily lidded eyes. Steve presses a kiss against Bucky's open and slack mouth before pushing forward another inch and then another, slowly but steadily driving home. When Steve's fully seated and Bucky can feel every inch maddeningly filling him but not moving he starts to whine just under his breath and instead of the usual bluster and bravado Steve breaks just a little bit, giving in, and pulling out just enough to drive back into Bucky with all the force he can muster.

"Oh, god... Steve..." Bucky knew this would be good, but he wasn't quite acutely aware of just how good. He's already getting lost in the sensation, body tensing and shuddering every time Steve hits that spot inside him, which has quickly over the last few months become his most favorite couple inches of his entire body. Steve is thrusting steadily now, head bowed and resting on Bucky's shoulder, and Bucky can hear his breath coming in quicker and more shallow.

"Steve just wait." Bucky can't help but feel concerned, through the definite pleasure he's feeling, he's seen Steve collapse from an asthma attack too many times to not get concerned when he hears those wheezing breaths.

"No! I can do this." Steve continues at the same pace, stuttering only occasionally and starting to struggle to hold himself up. Bucky considers flipping them over and riding Steve but knows that Steve would never go for that.

He pushes his legs up around Steve's waist to try and slow him down and grasps Steve by the shoulder just as he feels Steve's entire torso give a quaking lurch and his breathing stops entirely for just a second. Bucky snaps into action, pushing Steve back and away from him.

"I'm fine Buck" Steve gasps, trying to get his breathing under control. "We don't have to stop."

"Yes. We do. We're not going to do this if it's too much for you." Bucky speaks only out of concern, but he knows Steve won't hear it that way, knows his best friend will only hear that Bucky thinks he isn't capable, isn't enough, isn't adequate. Isn't everything he's always heard his whole life he can't be.

Steve launches himself off the bed, still struggling to breath evenly and stalks out of the bedroom, gasping words Bucky can't hear, maybe doesn't want to.

Once again Bucky lays back in bed, questioning whether or not he should follow Steve. Once again he chooses to give Steve his space, to let things air out between them, to allow time to tell him just what he's supposed to say here. After all, Bucky only pretends he always knows the right words to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for this. I am sorry to you guys, I'm sorry to Steve. I'm just really sorry. I'll make it all better I promise!
> 
> \- Thank you all so much for reading and for your kudos and comments, every bit of feedback means the world to me! You guys are awesome -


	7. Metaphorical Eggshells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve doesn't want to talk and Bucky doesn't know what to say.

Steve didn't run away this time that was one thing they had promised no matter what, no more running. When Bucky woke up he found Steve curled up on one end of the couch, head drooping forward in sleep, sketchpad still in his lap, but the pencil had fallen to the floor. Bucky draped a blanket over Steve's shoulders and placed his sketchpad on the table as gently as he could, noticing a close up sketch of himself and feeling his heart clench with pain. Then as quietly as possible he snuck out the door and made his way to work, trying not to think of what would be waiting when he got home, whether Steve would be willing to come to bed with him tonight, how badly everything was crashing down.

Bucky saw this coming, he knew it was only a matter of time before Steve decided he wasn't good enough. Wasn't capable of giving Bucky everything he thought he needed. Steve was an expert at deciding what was best for everyone else and never himself.

After his work day Bucky walked through the door just as cautiously as he had left, as if he were actually walking on the metaphorical eggshells he'd left behind. Steve was sitting on the couch, sketching again, almost as though he hadn't moved since Bucky had left him.

"Hey, Stevie..." Bucky started in tentatively "About last night-"

"I don't want to talk about it. I just need to finish this sketch and I'll get started on dinner."

"Why don't you let me make dinner tonight?" Bucky was just trying to be nice, he just wants Steve to know he's there, god he wishes Steve would talk about this, but if he refuses as least Bucky can do something.

"Jeez Buck, haven't I suffered enough?" Steve attempts a smile, but it comes across as more of a grimace than anything.

"Whatever you say Steve." Bucky shuffles into the bedroom to see Steve's things back in his own bed and steels himself to not react. If this is what Steve wants, he won't make an issue out of it. Bucky grabs a book and settles back on his lonely pillow trying to concentrate on the words, and not think of the silence that's flowing from the other room like a physical thing.

After they finish eating Steve goes right back to silently sketching, not necessarily ignoring Bucky, but also not paying as much attention to him as Bucky would like.

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the week passes much the same and the week after that, until Bucky starts to think there's no way he can fix this. He tried to just go back to the way things were before, but the pain of being in love with his best friend and simultaneously living under the same roof isn't as bearable as it was before. Every time he tries to touch Steve it breaks his heart all over again to see him flinch away. Every time he tries to bring up Steve coming to bed with him Steve simply rolls over and says "Just go to sleep, Buck."

As if he doesn't know that Bucky will spend the greater part of the night, every night staring at his back, willing Steve to just turn around and say anything else. Steve can yell, he can throw things, and rage. Bucky knows he feels it inside, and understands the weight of inadequacy that Steve carries with him every day. That's why Steve fights everything that moves, he says he's fighting for all the little guys in the world, but Bucky knows the only little guy Steve is fighting for, fighting against, is himself. Bucky wishes _he_ could scream, wishes he could grab Steve by the shoulders and somehow implant it in Steve's brain that he is good enough, that he is strong enough, that he is everything Bucky could ever hope to be, and if his body isn't able to keep up with that, it doesn't matter because his heart is all that matters to Bucky. But instead of saying all that, every night Bucky simply sighs and waits until his mind can't fight off sleep any longer.

After a few months of this, this constant loneliness that Bucky can't shake off with any amount of alcohol he finds himself in the warm embrace of a lovely, skinny little, blonde from down the street. Her lips are soft but she smells all wrong, and when she kisses Bucky's neck he finds himself longing for teeth and burn. He takes her home anyway, she's willing and Bucky just wants to feel something.

He'd be lying if he said Steve's lack of reaction to seeing Bucky stumble in the front door with a woman in his arms didn't make him die a little inside. Steve barely looks up from his book and Bucky is determined not to let Steve see how that effects him. He simply ushers his date of the night into the bedroom, he can't even remember her name at this point, it doesn't matter. He fucks her into the mattress cruelly, but she doesn't seem to mind, likes it even. Her nails are leaving trails of angry red down Bucky's spine and it's just enough to send him over the edge, pulling out the spill on the sheet. Bucky's not a complete idiot.

The next morning he's hoping he can get a rise out of Steve, talking about "What a dame that one was, shoulda felt how wet she got, better than a $3 Call-Girl down at the docks."

But all Steve responds with is 'That's great, Buck. Hey have her bring along a friend next time for me, yea?"

"Oh there's not going to be a next time, hell I don't even remember her name." Bucky says a bit sheepishly, but he means it. She wasn't anyone, Bucky doesn't want to find someone. At least not someone there could be a next time with.

"Come on Bucky, isn't it time you start thinking about settling down. Find a nice girl, put a ring on her finger, and get outta this dump. Don't you want that?"

"I don't-" Bucky starts lamely, but knows it isn't worth arguing, it'll all just come around full circle, it always does with them and he's too tired for this crap. "If that's what you want, Stevie..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohh this is painful. I know. I have a plan though! Eventual happy ending I promise (er well as happy as Marvel ever lets us get)
> 
> Your guys' comments and kudos are keeping me going! Thank you so much to everyone who is enjoying this fic, if you have anything at all to say, even if it's along the lines of 'I hate you! How can you do this to our boys!?!' please feel free to leave some feedback.


	8. Made of Breaking Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's just going through the motions and Steve is too preoccupied with the war to notice.

Bucky tries valiantly to follow Steve's wishes, to move on with his life, but he's really only going through the motions. He sets up double dates for the two of them but spends every moment with his eyes on his best friend, and if for even a minute one of the girls starts acting sweet on Stevie Bucky tends to sabotage the whole night. Steve doesn't seem to mind all that much how things go one way or the other, which just lends further to Bucky's emotional confusion and concern. Steve didn't seem to care about much that was happening on this side of the world at all these days, the more news came out about the conflict in Europe the more agitated Steve became. Bucky knew Steve's father was Killed In Action in the First World War and he could understand why Steve felt he had something to prove with a war going on, but Bucky was just glad the US wasn't sending boys overseas, not yet anyway. The mere thought of war was enough to make Bucky's stomach turn.

It's not that he doesn't want to go and fight for his country, for his people, but Bucky would rather be labeled a coward than leave Steve behind. As if Steve would let him, Bucky knows if the push for a draft gets stronger Steve will be first in line and pulling Bucky in with him. But even with all his talk of training and the nonstop stream of war tactics and mental preparation for a soldier heading to camp, all the books, and the countless news articles Steve surrounded himself with Bucky knew the Army was not in Steve's future. It wasn't something they talked about, especially since that fateful summer night when a collection of all Steve's physical maladies reared their head and made themselves known. It wasn't just the Asthma, it was Steve's entire body, his heart was weak and Bucky's noticed it didn't always beat when it was supposed to, sometimes Steve would lose the feeling in his fingers and drop whatever he was holding without realizing it. Bucky knew better than anyone every little tick in Steve's clock, heard every hitched breath or caught groan. He knew, even though Steve hated to admit it, that Steve could only hear out of one ear and couldn't tell apart most colors. Bucky thinks it's why Steve does his best art with a plain old pencil and piece of paper. Bucky had been watching every move Steve made for too long to think there was any part of Steve that was ready for a war. And despite all his knowledge Bucky always did his best to never treat his best friend like he was made of breaking glass. He knows Steve needs that, always needed him to see that he was strong and treat him like the bigger man Bucky seemed to be the only one aware of.

Bucky held Steve off on his repeated requests to take him to the gym to workout more by pulling daily double shifts at the docks. He figured the least he could do when the inevitable came was leave Steve behind with plenty of money. One less thing for Bucky to worry about.

But sooner rather than later the inevitable did come, and it came in the form of bombs being dropped on US soil and a panic that spread through the country, the likes of which Bucky thought he'd never forget. By the time the news of Pearl Harbor had been absorbed in every household and the talk really set in the Enlistment centers were full to bursting, just like Bucky knew they'd be. There was an overwhelming sense of doom in this room, but it was drowned out by the stifling pride and bravado rippling off of everyone around him. Bucky couldn't think of anything worse, a room full of canon fodder for a war that must be won, and his little Stevie right in the middle of it, lining up to be the next one to go under the stamp. Bucky was standing too far back to hear what was being said, but he could tell it wasn't going very well. Steve received his prognosis and whipped around, rushing out of the room, past Bucky but not meeting his eyes.

Bucky was so concerned about Steve he almost stepped out of line to run after him when he heard the dry cough of the doctor standing before him. Bucky knew he might as well get it over with now, running at this point was probably some kind of federal offense anyway. He handed the doctor his paperwork and tried his best at a respectful nod. Bucky decides it's best to not talk any more than is completely necessary, he was pretty sure if he opened his mouth at this moment he might throw up on this poor man. And it was really hard to forget that he was almost completely naked, and almost everyone else around him was also almost completely naked. Come to think of it, Bucky's had nightmares that started off this way, well he's had good dreams that started off pretty similarly too, but let's not go there. Bucky snaps his attention back to the doctor as he feels  his lingering gaze wander over his lower body and Bucky can't help but quirk an eyebrow, even as terrified as he is, I mean obviously this man likes what he's seeing.

"You appear to be in, umm, perfect health." The doctor nods at Bucky and reaches for the stamp closest to him, leaving behind a large and threatening 1A, effectively wiping the smirk off Bucky's face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but it just didn't seem proper to put smutty stuff on the same page as Pearl Harbor, I dunno...


	9. Like a Tiny Hurricane

 Being rejected from the army did not deter Steve in the slightest, if anything it only spurred him on all the more. Every day when Bucky would stumble in from work he'd find Steve either buried deep in the most boring military manual he could find or on the floor struggling out push up after push up and working his body until he passed out. After a while Bucky decides if Steve is going to keep this up with or without his help he might as well make sure the kid doesn't kill himself trying.

They set up a workout plan than begins each morning, far earlier than Bucky would have liked, with a 1 mile jog, Each trip around the block ends with Steve clutching at his sides and gulping for air while Bucky hovers worriedly and Steve glares at him. When Bucky's shift is over they do an hour of lifting and crunches, push ups, and lunges until Bucky can't take anymore. By this time he usually wants to scream at Steve that enough is enough, this isn't worth hospitalizing himself over. Once Bucky has calmed down enough to stop tugging at his hair in decade old exasperation they have a quiet dinner, get to sleep early, and wake up to do it all over again.

Steve thinks Bucky doesn't know that he's been sneaking all over the city to different enlistment centers as though the next time will be any different than the last, his body will have magically healed and his medical history cease to exist, and he will be fit for service. Of course this doesn't happen, each time Steve takes it just as hard, and comes storming back across town like a  tiny hurricane, attempting to destroy anything that crosses his path.

When Steve wasn't home waiting for Bucky one afternoon and Bucky immediately got worried the age old argument of 'What if Steve's hurt? - Steve can take care of himself. - No he can't. - But it would _kill_ him if he thought you thought that. - Just wait. - No, go find him' and round and back again until Bucky found himself pacing the floor from door to window. Bucky had just decided to take a walk around town, knowing the kind of trouble Steve can get into in back alleys, when the door bursts open and Steve comes charging in like a bat out of hell.

"Oh Steve, thank god, I was starting to get-"  Bucky stops short at the look on Steve's face just as Steve screams at him.

"Shut up! Bucky, shut up. You don't need to be worried about me, you don't need to constantly dote and care for me. I am a fully grown man, despite what everyone seems to think. I can take care of myself," Steve's only building up steam now, showing no signs of stopping. "and a damn good thing too. What am I supposed to do when they ship you off, hmm? Swoon and collapse in your wake before gathering myself up in my skirts to work in a factory!?! Or maybe I'll go find me a little red wagon and pick up scrap with the rest of the little boys! Is that what you want me to do!? Just stay safe and whole at home, and wait for you with the rest of the women?!"

"Yes! I mean, no. I mean... I just don't want to have to pick up the pieces of the only person I've ever loved off a battlefield. If that means leaving you behind, so be it. If I could I'd defect right now, pack our bags and take you with me, rather than leave to die in a war and never see you again." Bucky feels lighter finally admitting that shameful but consistent nagging thought and braces himself for Steve's reaction.

"Bucky! How could you even say that? That's-"

"I know, I know," Bucky doesn't even let Steve finish his sentence he knows that kind of thinking is dangerous and stupid. "I'm just trying to tell you how I feel, you think you're getting the shit end of the bargain here and you're not. This isn't what either of us wanted, but if I have to go, at least I'll know you're here, alive, waiting for me. And I don't mean sitting by the box waiting on my letters and saving yourself like a kept women, if you find some girl before I get back, that's great, Stevie. I just want you to be happy."

"That's not going to happen, Buck, there aint no girl that could keep me from you. War or no war. But I didn't think this is how it would go... You know, 'til the end of the line' I always figured it'd be you and me, goin' out side by side, blaze of glory, all that."

Steve is starting to calm down, or at least he's bristling less, and Bucky risks a hand on his shoulder expecting Steve to shake it off.

"I don't care about glory, Steve. I just want it to be over." Bucky allows his head to droop and Steve to see the cracks just below the surface for only a second before attempting to bottle it all back up just like he does every time he allows himself to think of how terrified he is of the looming future, but he can't push it back down. The terror feels like a solid mass rising up to consume him. A fractured sob escapes from his throat, and Bucky feels his knees collapse under the weight of impending doom. Steve immediately falls into his role, the one he's best at, the one that takes care of Bucky for a change. He reaches out and takes Bucky's head in both his hands, running his fingers through dark hair and clutching the back of his neck.

Bucky sobs more freely with his head resting on Steve's hipbone, tangling his hands in Steve's shirt, grasping for something solid to hold onto.

"Bucky.." Steve starts softly but when he can see he's not getting through he moves to cup Bucky's chin and says again more firmly, "Bucky. Look at me, calm down. Everything is going to be OK. _Right now_ , everything is OK. Just tell me what I can do."

"I just want to not think for a while. Steve, please, do whatever you want, just anything. Hit me, fuck me, kiss me, tie me to the dining room table, I don't care." Bucky is rambling now, but he means it. Anything, as long as Steve's hands are somewhere on his body. Maybe he should have specified that.

"Buck..." Steve starts to trail off and Bucky can tell he thinks it's not a good idea.

"I need this Steve. Just one more time, no holds barred. You pick a word, any word, if you're doing something I don't like, we stop. I could get my orders any day now. I'll be gone. Please, just do this for me." Bucky is begging now and he doesn't even care, he's already on his knees. Frankly at Steve's feet is as good a place to fall as any and he will freely prostrate himself here.

"Applesauce." Steve doesn't even have to think about it, making Bucky question whether Steve had thought of this before, or if his choice in word just showed what he was thinking about this whole situation.

"Why that word?"

"Because, it's easy," Steve allows himself half a smile "It's complete applesauce to think I could ever hurt you or push you further than you can go. But you're right, a word either of us can use to pull the breaks is good. And it's been a little while. anywhere you want to start?"

Bucky already knows the answer to that question, "Right here." is all he says and those are the last words he wants to have to say for quite some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always your comments and kudos are so appreciated, you all give me life and keep this story from getting lost in a sea of procrastination.
> 
> Fun Fact: Applesauce was a slang term in the 40's (according to the internet) that meant nonsense. I felt it'd be a good safe word as it's kind of silly and not something anyone would (should?) say during sex normally, plus the twofold meaning of Steve finding the thought of himself ever being able to do lasting harm to Bucky as completely ridiculous.
> 
> Also the bit about 'As good a place to fall as any' is totally mangled from the song Bedroom Hymns by Florence + the Machine, I couldn't help myself


	10. Catharsis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gives Bucky everything he needs and then some.

As soon as he knows he has permission the first thing Bucky does is go for Steve's belt. He gets the buckle undone and starts to move for the button beneath when Steve grasps his wrists to stop him.

"No, I can't-" Steve stumbles slightly over his words before regaining his composure and says more firmly, "Take off your clothes. Then back on your knees and put your hands behind you. Wrists together." Steve lets go and Bucky does as he's told. Once his shirt, pants, and shorts are piled up in a chair Bucky drops back to his knees gratefully and brings his arms together behind his back. The whole while Bucky was undressing Steve stood watching every movement, his eyes devouring each inch of skin as it was revealed. Bucky notices the only item of clothing Steve has removed from himself is his necktie, which is hanging loosely in his fist. He watches with anticipation, turning his head to follow as Steve comes up behind him, only to have Steve bend, lips to his ear and order, "Eyes forward, soldier."

Bucky whips his head around, facing forward and restricts the whimper in his throat as he feels Steve wrapping the necktie around his wrists and tying it tightly, with just enough room to slip a couple fingers in between skin and cloth.

Steve slowly circles back around to Bucky's front and admires his handiwork briefly before turning and walking out of the room. He calls over his shoulder "I'll be right back, just need to grab some things. Don't move until I get back."

* * *

 

Don't move until Steve gets back, Bucky thinks that should sound simple. Why doesn't it? Why does that sound like the hardest thing he's ever done? His skin is screaming for Steve in a tingly sort of way, goosebumps raising even the smallest of hairs in protest of being told to stand still. But Bucky keeps his head bowed, doesn't struggle against his restraint, and forces himself to think only of the hard floor beneath his knees. It might have been mere minutes, it might have been longer, Bucky isn't sure when Steve comes back, he just knows that when he does he's floating somewhere just out of reach. All thoughts of fear or rage or loss are still there, but now they're muted, sunk to the bottom of his mind.

He hears Steve's voice like it's coming in and out of tune through a radio, "You with me, Buck?"

It takes a minute for Bucky to find his words, he has to dig them out and make sure they're all in the right order. "Yea, Stevie, I'm good..."

"So good for me, Buck. You look so perfect right now, I kinda want to draw you. Think you can sit like that for a while longer?"

"Yes, Steve." At this point Bucky doesn't really care as long as Steve's eyes or hands are on him. He can hear Steve settling into a chair at the table and can hear the pencil scratching over the paper in a rough and quick sketch. He can feel Steve's attention roaming over his body, but that's all Bucky is aware of. His mind feels unnaturally blank, calmer than he's ever felt before, and it's bliss.

When Steve finishes his drawing he places the sketchpad back on the table and walks back over to Bucky, running his fingers through his hair and down to cup his face. "How you feelin' Bucky? Still feelin' good?"

"Ssso good," Bucky's speech is slightly slurred, but at least the words are finding their way to his mouth. "Please. Touch me Steve. Anything just touch me... Make sure it hurtsss, I want to remember this"

"Oh, I'll make sure you can't sit down for a week without gasping my name." Steve is massaging Bucky's arms and making sure the tie hasn't tightened too much, when he's satisfied he steps back and considers for only a moment before pulling his belt free from the loops around his pants. Steve doubles the leather back in on itself and snaps it taught with a cracking noise, staring straight into Bucky's eyes looking for a reaction.

Bucky is wide eyed now and focused on the belt in Steve's hands and can already feel the begging words on his lips. He hasn't had someone bring a belt to his ass since he was punished as a child, and Bucky's attitude about the whole thing has definitely changed somewhere along the line. He wants this, badly.

Steve pulls a couple couch cushions onto the floor and helps Bucky bend over them, his cock trapped between his belly and the rough fabric. He turns his cheek to the side and stretches his arms out behind him as much as he can manage, ass pointed up and ready. Steve lays the first blow with no warning, not too hard, but hard enough to drive the air from Bucky's lungs in a rush.

"Good?" Steve can't seem to keep the concern out of his voice, even consciously knowing that both he and Bucky are enjoying this, Bucky knows it's just not in Steve's nature to inflict pain on those he loves.

"You can do it harder, just a little." Bucky doesn't want to ask more of Steve than he can or will give, but he needs more, he wants it to burn and ache and stay fresh in his mind.

The next strike falls just below the last one and Bucky can feel the aftermath of the leather on his perineum and thinks he could come just from that if Steve did it enough times. He's been half hard since Steve told him to get naked, but now he's at full mast and grinding down into the cushions for the much needed friction. Steve lays five more blows in succession, each one harder than the last, over the main swell of Bucky's ass and almost as if he can't help himself he brings both his hands up over Bucky's cheeks, covering the marks already starting to blot out the unblemished skin. Steve massages and caresses him until Bucky is practically sobbing and gasping Steve's name and "Please" in an unending stream.

"I've got you, Buck." Steve stretches his body out over Bucky's back and whispers in his ear, "No matter what, I always got you."

Bucky can feel the tears leaking out of the corner of his eyes and kisses Steve without thinking. Steve tenses for only a second as if he's about to pull away, but instead gives in, sinking into the kiss and grasping the back of Bucky's head, pulling his lips tighter against his own.

Now Bucky is struggling against his bonds, needing to touch, to grab, to feel any and all of Steve he can manage. Moaning and gasping into Steve's open mouth a litany of "Please, God. Steve... Please," he doesn't even know what he's asking for, just begging for whatever Steve will give him. "I need...."

"What do you need, Buck? Use your words. You have to tell me." Steve is sounding concerned again and starts to loosen the ties at Bucky's wrists.

"No! No.... I just. I need-" it's so frustrating, Bucky can't even vocalize what he wants, because he's afraid to ask for anything. "I just need you."

Steve gives him his trademark saddest smile and leaves one more kiss on Bucky's temple before sitting up and says,"OK, yea.... Here, back up, weight on your knees again." Steve tosses the couch cushions out of the way and leans back in to kiss Bucky's lips again. When they first started out tonight it was almost as if Steve was afraid to touch Bucky with his bare skin, hesitant to get in too deep again. Now as if some wall came crumbling down leaving a mess of emotions spilling out behind it Steve is on the verge of tears himself and kissing and caressing every inch of Bucky he can reach. Bucky's never seen Steve cry before, ever. This is like some kind of catharsis for both of them and Bucky wishes Steve would wear that look on his face forever and never stop kissing him like this.

Steve keeps one hand clutched around the nape of Bucky's neck, fingers tangled in his hair, while the other hand trails down to his cock, now ridiculously hard, drooling precum, and throbbing in an angry way. Bucky gasps and almost cries out when Steve grips the base and massages up the shaft with his thumb to lightly run his fingernail just under the head. He gathers precum from the tip and slathers it down the length of Bucky's cock with a firm and calculated grip, keeping his pressure and pace steady.

Bucky is whining and tugging at his restraints again, aborted little half thrusts down into Steve's fist, gasping and choking on his 'Please's. His shoulders are starting to ache from their awkward position and his repeated struggling and the tips of his fingers are completely numb. "Steve," Bucky strives to find words beyond that, but please is still all that wants to come out. "Please, Steve... My arms."

Steve doesn't hesitate for a second, simply drops his hand from Bucky's neck to his hands tied behind his back and undoes the knotting, gently pulling Bucky's arms apart and bringing them back to his front, soothing the redness around the wrists and massaging feeling back into his forearms and fingers. Bucky groans out of relief and the pure pleasure of unrestricted movement, and the touch of Steve's skin under his fingers. With his hands free Bucky forgets his place and gathers his fists back into the fabric of Steve's shirt pulling their bodies together. Steve is grappling for control, halfheartedly pushing at Bucky's chest, but Bucky's either too far gone or just doesn't care. He crushes his lips to Steve's with zero finesse, all emotion, his hands are tangled in Steve's blond hair. Bucky moves down to kiss and lick, suck and bite at Steve's neck with none of their past careful attention to not leaving behind a noticeable mark for the world to see. He's mouthing at Steve's collarbone and without thinking is stripping the buttons off of Steve's shirt before Steve comes to and and is on his feet before Bucky knows what's happening.

"No. Bucky. I said, no." Steve has a hard set to his face, but his voice is wavering like the tears that are threatening to spill from just behind his eyes.

Bucky visibly crumbles, feeling all of the lightness inside of him turn to stone in mere moments. The dry, wracking sobs that have been fighting their way from inside his body since the second that 1A stamp permanently marked his enlistment papers finally emerge on the surface, leaving him a mess, curled up on the floor, naked, and still clearly begging through his tears.

Steve stands back frozen for only a second before bending to grasp Bucky by the shoulders, attempting to haul him upright, Bucky's larger size and deadweight making it impossible for him. "Bucky, please, don't do this. I can't, you know I can't..." At this Steve admits defeat and sinks to his knees beside his best friend, laying his forehead on Bucky's bare shoulder and breathing deep.

* * *

 

They lay like this for the better part of an hour until Bucky stops crying and shaking and the small amount of natural light that ever did make it into their home has been drowned out by darkness.

Steve sits up and runs his fingers through Bucky's hair and leans back in to speak softly against his ear, "Come to bed with me, Buck"

 It takes a minute for the words to make their way to Bucky's brain and for him to process what Steve is asking before he shakily attempts to put weight on his arms and legs to stand. Steve takes him softly by the hand and leads him into their bedroom.

Bucky immediately collapses on the bed, still nude, and turns on his side to face the wall, curled in a fetal position. Steve stares from his place standing next to the bed with a look on his face as if he's never seen anything more heartbreaking and pathetic and Bucky knows, he knows how weak he's being right now and he can't force it to stop. If he thinks about it too long he'll start crying again and his throat and head already hurt so bad, Bucky just wants to sleep. He clenches his eyes closed and hears Steve rustling around the room before feeling a blanket being draped over his body and then Steve climbing into bed beside him. When they laid together Steve always curled himself around Bucky's back, his head resting on the back of Bucky's neck and his arms wrapped around his shoulders. Bucky missed this so much, he snuggles back into Steve, sighing contentedly before realizing the skin contact. Flush against his back and naked, Steve is touching every inch of him that is possible in this position. Bucky turns slightly, confusion evident on his face and starts to open his mouth to ask a question, but Steve simply hushes him and brings their foreheads together, laying a soft and simple kiss to Bucky's lips. A kiss that says everything it needs to, a kiss that says 'I love you and, if I could, I'd never leave you.'

Bucky turns the rest of the way to face Steve entirely, wrapping his arms around his body and pulling him closer, feeling their bodies pressed together. Bucky has long since softened and had all but forgotten any thoughts of pleasure until he feels Steve's cock twitching next to his own. Steve deepens the kiss, his tongue sliding along Bucky's and split slicked lips moving together. Bucky feels like his soul is being drawn up and out of his body just to be closer to Steve, like his entire being has been magnetized and there is no such thing as close enough for them to be touching. Steve grips Bucky's waist and slots their hips together, grinding against Bucky with a broken moan. Bucky can't stop kissing Steve, doesn't want to stop kissing him, doesn't even care if that's all they ever do again. So when Steve pulls his face away from him Bucky can't help but cry out in distress, making Steve laugh just a little bit.

"I'm not going far, promise" Steve stretches to reach the bedside table and pulls the petroleum jelly from the drawer. He scoops a reasonable amount into his hand and slicks himself up before gliding his hand along Bucky's rapidly hardening cock as well. Steve does his best to hold them both in his hand and keep up a steady movement, but neither of them are exactly small where it counts. Bucky brings his own hand down alongside Steve's and they work their shafts together, breath coming in ragged gasps and gulps of air, cut off moans filling the minuscule amount of space between them. After how long it's been and the build up and let down of this evening Bucky knows he isn't going to last long and marginally tightens his grip on Steve's cock, taking pleasure in the groan he works past those lips. They're thrusting together almost with no semblance of control, just impassioned raw physical need. Bucky can feel the hot, wet slide of Steve's hardness against his own and feels a shiver run up his spine as the fever in his gut races over his whole body making his hips stutter as his pace quickens. Bucky's entire body constricts and his eyes go wide, staring straight at Steve while he comes seeing stars.

Steve follows only seconds later, cursing and panting Bucky's name before rolling onto his back trying to catch his breath, eyes shut tight as if praying he doesn't have another asthma attack in this bed.

"Holy shit, Steve." Bucky is laughing now, slightly concerned over Steve's labored breathing, but other than that everything feels so good, he can't help but smile.

"Ugh, I don't think I've ever been such a mess" Bucky looks over at Steve while he's talking and yea, they are both covered in the residue of the night, but Bucky privately thinks it's the most gorgeous thing he's ever seen. Steve's cock is still half hard and shiny, his stomach splattered with a mix of both their cum and almost involuntarily Bucky leans to lick it up, lapping at Steve's stomach like he's dying of thirst. Steve moves to stop him at first but thinks better of it and even gathers some up with his fingers, guiding them to Bucky's mouth and coating his lips with it. Bucky swirls his tongue around Steve's fingers, drawing them into his mouth and sucking, cleaning every last drop. Steve chuckles and says, "As much as I'd love to keep you down there washing me up, we should probably just go take a shower."

"Mmmm, together?" Bucky is still feeling needy and doesn't want to be parted from Steve for even as long as it takes from him to shower. He knows this is short lived, that this ease of love and physical contact between them will fade again as soon as the sun rises. There's only so many more days, weeks, maybe months that they have together as it is. Mere minutes matter more than Bucky would like to admit, and he wishes Steve would give this to him every day until he boards the train that will take him to boot-camp. Bucky gets it, he does, if they spent every night like this it would only make it harder to leave, to be alone at night for both of them after he's gone, but that doesn't make it any less painful now.

* * *

 

Steve crowds in with Bucky into their tiny shower stall after turning on the water to the best temperature they were going to get. He takes his time cleaning the expanses of Bucky's skin, exploring with his fingers through suds and massaging the tense muscles  of Bucky's back. Steve lets his fingers wander to the cleft of Bucky's ass, kneading the firm globes of his cheeks, and spreading him to brush lightly across Bucky's hole with soapy fingers. Bucky rests his head on his arms against the shower wall and rocks back onto Steve's hand as he feels the first finger breach him open and he grunts slightly followed with a sigh of relief as Steve adds a second finger right away and Bucky breathes through the flawless burn, thrusting his hips in midair as the lukewarm shower spray runs down his chest. It doesn't take long for Steve to find the right spot and milk it for everything it's worth, making Bucky sob and keen. Steve uses his other hand to stroke up and down Bucky's cock wet with water and some lingering soap and already hard and ready again. Steve is hanging limply against his leg, but Bucky can feel the occasional twitches of interest every time he moans particularly loudly and follows up Steve's name with a stream of uttered curses. Bucky doesn't think his body is capable of coming again so soon, the sensation is sharp around the edges instead of fuzzy and warm and Bucky feels like it's being pulled from his very core against his will, lighting up his insides with it's intensity.

"Oh God, I can't, it's too much" Bucky is shaking and putting his full weight on the wall for support, he can barely focus on breathing, let alone standing.

"Do you want me to stop?" Steve sounds halfway between worried and smug and Bucky wants to smack him in the mouth for how much he's enjoying putting him through such exquisite torture. "You know the word if you want me to stop."

"No, I... just- Ohhh... God." Bucky almost collapses on the shower floor as Steve redoubles his effort, increasing pace and pressure on Bucky's most sensitive spot and upping the speed of his motions along Bucky's cock. Bucky is rocking back and forth between Steve's hands, completely lost to the feeling, scrabbling along the wet tile for purchase as his entire universe is being unraveled around the the incredibly talented fingers of Steve Rogers. Bucky comes for the second time that night, biting down on his fist to muffle the shout the tears it's way out of his throat.

Steve slowly pulls his fingers out of Bucky leaving him feeling strangely empty but so satisfied. Bucky thinks he could sleep for a week after that one. They finish cleaning up and head to bed towling each other off.

Bucky curls up into Steve's embrace and relishes this moment. "This is what I miss most of all, what I'm going to miss more than anything stuck in some cold and lonely barracks without you."

"Well that's why I need to follow you to Europe, not that we could do this regularly, but I'm sure we could sneak moments, and no matter what, at least you'd be there, by my side."

"Steve, you don't get it, this is a war, I know how you feel but why don't you understand how I feel? The sheer terror that I can't hold off even hearing you talk about it. Why would you want that? Why is this so important to you?"

"How many times do I have to tell you it's not about me? I just want to do the right thing, just like you are. Most people in this world they just walk through with their eyes closed, not really living, not helping, not saving. Most people just hurt, they leave the world a worst place when they go than it was when they came and I don't want to do that. I'm not saying I can change the world, Buck, but maybe I can make it a little better."

"You already do, just by being my best friend."

"That's not going to change, war or no war. Til the end of the line." Steve clutches Bucky's hand in his and Bucky breathes deep, feeling Steve's face against his neck.

Bucky mutters softly, "The end of the line, Stevie" Just before drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [NSFW photo inspiration for this chapter](http://beautifulstuff-afterdark.tumblr.com/post/139177012272/nsfw-photo-board-for-chapter-10-of-the-sacrifice)
> 
> We're just about to head into the final chapter of this fic before continuing the story in the next part fro Steve's PoV. Thank you to all who've been reading and leaving kudos and comments. You guys make my day.


	11. The End of the Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Bucky were being honest with himself he'd admit that it's almost a relief to know, to be done with the waiting and the wondering, but being honest also means admitting that Bucky is so tired of fighting with Steve.

The next morning Bucky opens his eyes fully aware of the cold, empty space behind him. He can't hear Steve in the other room, but puts on some shorts and wanders out into the living room hoping to find him anyway.

What Bucky finds instead sends his heart plummeting through the floor and makes him understand perfectly why he had awoken to an empty apartment. There sitting on the dining room table, looking so innocuous and simple, a little white envelope bearing Bucky's name from the United States Army.

Bucky picks it up to open it seeing the flap of the envelope was already disturbed, as if Steve had went to open it himself before thinking better of it and leaving it to Bucky. Leaving the apartment, because he couldn't stand to see Bucky's reaction? Or Just because he couldn't stand to be there knowing a letter like this wasn't coming for him. Bucky didn't know, all he knows is that this is the letter he's been dreading, but knew was coming all along. When he was stamped 1A: approved for active service, they told him there was no knowing how long it'd be, months or maybe more until he was sent off to camp to train before being shipped overseas. Bucky knew this day was coming but it didn't make it any easier to accept, to actually open the envelope.

Once he manages to slow his heart to a healthier pace and gets the letter opened in his hands Bucky has to clamp his mouth shut to prevent himself from crying out. He has less than one week left in New York, less than one week left with Steve, less than one week before life as he knows it ceases to be.

If Bucky were being honest with himself he'd admit that it's almost a relief to know, to be done with the waiting and the wondering, but being honest also means admitting that Bucky is so tired of fighting with Steve.

He puts the letter back on the table not ready for that kind of honesty and decides to go about his day as if nothing had happened. When Bucky gets home from work Steve is sitting at the table, but the letter is nowhere in sight.

"Hey, Buck, I was thinking today we'd skip the workout, maybe head to the theater for a cartoon before dinner, yea?" Steve is smiling, but Bucky can see the pain behind his eyes. If Steve wants to pretend everything is OK instead of talking about this Bucky can do that. In fact he's thankful to not have to confront the situation yet. They can't push this off forever, but one more day, they can do that.

The movie is good but Steve fidgets the whole time, wringing his hands in his lap and shuffling his feet, ruining the illusion of their casual evening out. On the walk home Bucky finally looks over at Steve and says, "So are we gonna talk about this? Or should I just pack my bags and leave without saying goodbye?"

Steve huffs out a slightly bitter laugh, before looking up at his best friend and muttering, "Maybe it'd be easier that way..."

"Oh shut up, you! Easier for who?" Bucky grabs Steve around the shoulder and shakes him slightly before Steve brushes him off.

"So... When do you leave?" Steve is looking at the ground now instead of meeting Bucky's eyes and it's torture, no matter the circumstances Bucky would always rather be looking into those blue eyes than anywhere else, especially when delivering heart breaking news.

"Next week. But after training I may get to come back when I get my orders before I ship off."

"Well, you know where I'll be." Steve's words fade as he looks out over the city with a solemn and detached expression.

Bucky's looking at the same buildings, the same roads, but he knows his thoughts are in a completely different place than Steve's. Bucky's staring down the only city he's ever known, he's not ready to say goodbye to these streets, the smells and the sounds. No one could ever say New York was a particularly pretty place, but that's where it's true beauty lies is in the grit, the dirt that holds memories in every crack of the concrete. But pretty or not Bucky would chop off a limb to keep his dirty, noisy home rather than trade it in for the din and reek of war.

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky and Steve spend every minute of the following days side by side, but never closer than that. Either refuses to leave the other for any longer than they have to, relishing the little time they have left together, but terrified than any direct contact will only make this all the more heart wrenchingly painful. Bucky wants nothing more than to tangle his fingers in Steve's hair and crush their lips together in a shattering kiss, but with everything already threatening to spill from his mouth and brain the mere thought of touching Steve brings him that much closer to implosion. Complete implosion and inability to function in even the most basic way; that is all Bucky sees in his immediate future and he knows he needs to pull his shit together. Now.

Their final week passes much too quickly and before Bucky knows it he's packing his things and preparing to say goodbye to Steve.

No matter how much he mentally set himself up for this Bucky can still feel everything welling up just behind his eyes, but he refuses to let Steve see through him to that. Bucky puts on his bravest face and pulls Steve into a rough hug wanting to imprint this feeling into his skin; wanting to make sure no matter how much time passes he'll never forget the feeling of his closest friend pressed tight against his chest.

"You think you'll be able to come back, though right? When you get your orders?" Steve is stone faced. If Bucky didn't know any better he'd say he was the only one about to break right now.

"Yea, I hope so. Even if just for a day, we'll go out big, paint the town and all that, you and me." Bucky cracks a smile even if it's the last thing in the world he feels like doing. "I'll be back before you know it Stevie, you take care of yourself."

"I think I'll manage." Steve deadpans and cocks an eyebrow, "Don't make too much of a fool of yourself, ya hear?"

"Yeah, I'll try... Bye, Steve." Bucky can feel the smile sliding off his face no matter how hard he tries to hold it up.

"Goodbye, Buck." Steve's jaw is set hard, but Bucky can see him wavering and turns to go before he or Steve break down and say what they're really thinking, this isn't the place; surrounded by his fellow army lads who share his situation, but not his fate. They're all sad smiles and open hugs, kissing their girls goodbye, full of promises and 'I love you's. Bucky tries not to glance around too bitterly as he keeps his back to Steve and marches, head high, into the waiting jaws of his future.

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky's Basic Training passes in a blur of shouting, running, high anxiety, and determination. In the end Bucky proved his worth multiple times over, he thinks he'd have made Steve proud if he'd been there to see it. His superiors certainly took note and by the time Bucky had completed his training and was set to receive his orders he was granted the rank of Sergeant and told he could return home for 24 hours before he was sent to Europe.

As soon as Bucky set foot back in Brooklyn he was practically running the familiar path to his and Steve's apartment, rushing to unlock the door, and ready to see Steve's face light up, charging into the living room. Bucky was expecting to see Steve perched on the windowsill, sketching, and well not to be waiting for him, but to be there, and he wasn't. He wasn't in the bedroom or the bathroom either, the apartment was empty and a mess of cluttered papers, discarded clothes, and blankets rumpled on the floor as if Steve had been doing little other than working and sleeping right on the couch, living in this room and not bothering to keep things tidy since no one else was here to see it. Bucky glanced at the bedroom again on his way out, noticing it was immaculate as if no one had stepped foot in it since he'd left. Like Steve was afraid of disturbing the memories pressed into the sheets and simply wanted to let them be.

He searches all over town for Steve, starting in the areas around enlistment centers, glancing into back alleys, and of course finding his best friend just like he has many times, on the receiving end of a punch. Bucky takes great joy in strolling up in his uniform and kicking this guy's ass, but his heart drops like it's full of concrete when he takes in the look on Steve's face seeing him standing in front of him.

"You get your orders?" Is the first thing Steve says actually looking at him and it cuts Bucky deep that even after everything all Steve can say is he should be going too. As many times as he did think he'd so much rather have him by his side Bucky was glad he was leaving Steve behind on this side of the pond in the morning and he refused to waste his last night as a free man on resentment and 'what if's. He throws his arm around Steve, steering him out of yet another alley, but as soon as Steve's body connects with his he recoils feeling Steve tense and start to pull away. So Bucky ups his bravado and unveils his big plans for their night out and tells Steve what he knows he wants to hear, makes a double date for the two of them, and goes right on pretending that everything is fine.

Bucky makes it through the lie smiling with a girl by his side for a few hours while Steve sulks behind being ignored by his date. Bucky's torn between irritation that anyone could brush Steve off so easily and relief that even knowing Steve could and should find someone to be happy with while he's gone at least Bucky doesn't have to watch it happen tonight. While Bucky's trying to enjoy the show though and both the girls are also focused on the stage Steve slips away. As soon as Bucky notices he's gone and sees the sign for another recruiting station he shakes his head and resigns himself to another argument, another round of 'this isn't about me' and 'yeah, you got 'nothin to prove'. The last thing Bucky wants right now is to even think about the war, he just wants one last fun night out with Steve, but if this is what Steve wants more Bucky is done fighting. He's done telling Steve to stop trying, to stop lying, of course he's still worried they're going to catch on and charge Steve with falsifying his enlistment forms, and he's even more worried one of these times they're actually going to accept him, but he's done fighting.

Bucky salutes Steve and turns to walk away without looking back, because looking back would just hurt too damn much.

Bucky knows with these circumstances he could get one, or hell maybe both, of these girls to come home with him tonight. And with a bit more booze to ease the way for some horrible decision making he just might've, but all Bucky wants tonight is to head home alone and come silently screaming Steve's name, three fingers slicked and working in and out himself at a steady pace, thrusting down into his own greased palm with his face buried in his best friend's pillow.

 

* * *

 

 

After cleaning himself up Bucky stumbles back into bed and lays motionless, reaching out with every molecule of his being just willing Steve to walk in the door. It's not like Bucky's going to die tomorrow, he knows that. But if he doesn't see Steve one last time, hear his voice, and feel his lips pressed against his own he very well may break and crumble before even boarding the train.

But Steve never does come back home. Bucky spends his last night in his own bed tossing and turning fitfully and crying tears hot and thick, soaking the pillow clenched in his arms.

And in the morning when Bucky boards a train car filled to the brim with men just like him, faceless in their uniforms, but all leaving something or someone behind, he knows it's time to let go. Bucky has sacrificed a lot by giving in a little every day, not fighting for the love he knows is impossibly theirs. There is no white picket fence for Bucky Barnes, no pitter patter of happy feet on hard wood floors, and gentle tinkling laugh of  a happy blond with a ring on her finger. For Bucky there only is and only has ever been Steve Rogers and the end of the line.

When the train reaches it's destination Bucky files neatly in at the end of a row of soldiers and states his name, 'James Buchanan Barnes' for the record. Head held high, shoulders set and steady, ready to give his life for his country if need be, his home for the future of the world. Giving in to the knowledge of that final sacrifice, letting it wash over him one last time that he's never going to see his little Stevie again, never going to feel his arms, frail but unfaltering holding Bucky close. Bucky has to  reel himself in and securely focus on the present. The only way to move forward without collapsing and falling apart completely as he heads into war is to set that fact aside as something wholly true and immutable, to compartmentalize the pain of that sacrifice, the sacrifice of Steve Rogers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, there it was, the final chapter of Part 1 of the Anesthesia series. Thank you all for sticking with me and my Stucky feels through figuring this one out. I have a set plan of motion for the rest of the series now and I do mean that eventual happy ending thing, just you know, eventually.... I've got a con coming up next week so no promises for right away, but part 2 will get it's start here very soon. I don't want to give away too much, just that part 2 will be told from Steve's point of view, and will start off right around when Bucky ships out. Oh also I can promise you my Super Soldier Sex Scenes will be smutty as fuck, that I definitely know as I've already written one of them and maybe will just release some ones shots first to tease you guys a bit :D


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